Tick, Tick Tick....

I am forever watching the clock from the hours of 8:30 and 2:30. That is the time I sit trapped in a gray cubicle behind a desk listening to people on the other side of me, sniff, cough, clip their fingernails, talk on the phone, pound on the keyboard, play music to loud and not even good music at that, spray their perfume, etc. etc. The only real thing that keeps me entertained is TMZ, reading other blogs, and making list after list of things I could be doing other than sitting at work in this gray cubicle.
I wake up in the morning and realize that's just it I am awake - awake to another day of "making the donuts". That's how I feel....like the guy in the Dunkin Donuts commercial, gotta make the donuts. I should be excited that I am alive and be grateful that I am alive. But it is hard to be grateful when you have to get up and go to a job that is dreadful. I hate that I yell at my children in the morning to hurry up and get ready b/c mommy is going to be late to work - the job that I hate, so I am taking it out on you because I would hate to be late!!! Not fair to my children at all.
I realize some might say, well then stay home. It is not as simple as me saying "I think I will stay home". I actually want to work. I am not really the "Full Time Stay at Home Mom" type. I admire anyone who has the patience to do it, I believe it is hard-work and fulfilling all the same! It's a possibility in the future but for now can't happen.....
So I yell at my kids to get to the job that I hate and as soon as I walk through the doors I feel like I am wearing this turtleneck sweater that is way to tight around my neck. I start to become this hunchback sitting at my desk, surrounded by these gray walls and just try to get through the day. Looking like I am busy, while really I am just staring at the clock and searching randomness on the Internet.
One thing about me I love a challenge, I have to stay busy and right now this job has neither. We are slow because of the recession and my supervisor has pretty much written me off at doing any new projects because I have elected to reduce my work schedule from 40 to 30 hours. I chose this because I don't have enough to do! Why be here when I could be anywhere?

see i just got through another 15min by writing this blog post.....aah feels good. Freedom in 48 minutes